Lost
by sesheta255
Summary: Definitely not random stupidity.  This is my take on Kaidan during the two years following Shepard's death.
1. Chapter 1

_This is NOT random stupidity, but something I like to call Emo Dribble._

_JaerWolf talked me into trying to write something serious so blame her, lol. Thanks Jaer, I do appreciate your advice and encouragement._

_Thanks to Jaer for her encouragement and being brave enough to beta this for me._

_Thanks also to Star, Night, Shenzi, and Sirius for their encouragement to keep going with this story._

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**Lost**

Chapter 1

Kaidan sat alone, ignoring everything going on around him. Shepard was dead. It didn't seem possible. Saren hadn't defeated her, Sovereign hadn't defeated her. Hell, she'd faced waves of mercs on Elysium, and not only survived, but had held them off until help arrived, something that most people would have thought impossible. Shepard was expected to do the impossible on a daily basis. Until now.

When his escape pod had been picked up they had asked him if he was alright. He couldn't answer. He didn't know, wouldn't know until Shepard stepped from an escape pod herself, making some pithy comment about someone, probably Udina, being pissed about the loss of the Normandy, then vowing to go after whoever or whatever was behind it. He threw himself into helping his fellow crew members. Shepard would expect it of him and he wouldn't let her down. She would be at his side reassuring and mourning with all of them soon.

He looked up at the faces around him, registering that some were missing. People that he'd come to know and trust in a close knit crew united by Shepard and the loyalty she inspired simply by caring about each and every one of them. The fact that she was such a proficient marine was secondary to the fact that she took the time to get to know every member of her crew, knew their strengths and weaknesses, and was genuinely interested in each and every one of them.

As each pod was retrieved they all looked up expectantly, waiting to see their commanding officer, waiting for her to take charge and reassure them that everything would be fine, that they would come out of this nightmare stronger and tighter than before. They all thought they knew her and they did to a certain extent but only he had seen behind the mask. Only he knew the woman behind the Commander Shepard legend that had been built up around her after Elysium. He loved that woman. She made him feel like his biotics weren't something to hide or hold back. She just made him feel.

The hushed voices announced the last pod had been picked up. Shepard would be here soon and everything would be alright again. He looked up as it was brought onboard and opened, adrenaline and anticipation racing through him. Joker was helped out of the pod, one arm held tight against his body. Kaidan looked past him, looked for Shepard, but Joker was alone. His eyes moved back to Joker leaning against the pod wall, his shoulders slumped, his head bowed. He didn't want to believe what he saw written in the pilot's stance. Dr Chakwas moved to help Joker asking him where Shepard was. Joker's head came up. He met Kaidan's gaze for a few seconds and gave a mute shake of his head before lowering his eyes once again.

Kaidan turned and walked, blindly searching for an out of the way corner to have some time to himself, oblivious to the frightened glances that the surviving Normandy crew were giving him. He sank down onto a crate and stared at the floor. He waited for the pain to hit him, braced himself for it, but it didn't come. He felt no emotion at all, he was too numb. He wondered when the grief, the guilt, the self recrimination would come. But none of it mattered anymore. Shepard was dead.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Two weeks. For two weeks he'd gone through the motions and it wasn't getting any easier. In public he was composed and in control, but here in private his emotions overwhelmed him. He'd gone through a mind numbing number of debriefing sessions and was now on unlimited shore leave while the Alliance decided what was to become of Shepard's team. He was there when Joker had described what had happened to Shepard. The thought of her dying in space alone sent a chill through him. Her body hadn't been recovered but they were holding a memorial service for her. Kaidan wasn't going, couldn't go. He would mourn Shepard in his own way and his own time. He wasn't going to put his grief on display for the politicians and brass who would talk about Shepard as if they knew her, as if they cared about her. Wasn't going to sit through the pitying glances from those that knew about him and Shepard. None of them knew her, knew who she really was, or what she symbolized. They all just wanted to play a part in the Shepard legacy.

His omnitool pinged with an incoming message. He didn't want to look at it but knew he had to. Joker. His friend had sent dozens of messages wanting to talk with him but he couldn't. Kaidan didn't want to talk to Joker, didn't want to go through the grief that would cause. He blamed Joker for Shepard's death. He blamed himself for telling her the pilot wouldn't leave the ship, for following her order to help the crew get to the escape pods and go. He blamed Shepard for placing Joker's life above her own.

"Damn it, Shepard. I love you. Loved you." He corrected himself, shouting the words out in frustration. He felt guilty for being angry at her but he couldn't stop it. He didn't want to believe she was dead. He told himself that she was just off saving someone, like she'd saved him. He hadn't even realised he needed saving. Hadn't realised that he'd shut off his emotions and kept such tight control of himself that he'd become a shell of a human being, spending all his time going through the motions, getting the job done but being left feeling empty and unsatisfied. Until Shepard.

He brushed angry tears from his eyes. He didn't want to be angry with her, not today of all days. They should have been on shore leave together now; instead he had to mourn her loss. If only she'd gone to the escape pod with him. If only he'd gone to the bridge with her. If only Joker had admitted the hopelessness of the situation and abandoned ship. He snorted in self derision. He'd played the 'if only' game in his head too much over the past two weeks.

'If only'… the two most useless words in the human language when put together. If he thought about it logically he knew none of them were to blame. But he wasn't ready for logic. Not yet. The wound was still too raw and bleeding.

He ran a hand wearily over the stubble on his chin, not remembering how long it had been since he'd shaved. He looked around the apartment at the dull coloured walls. The only feature in the room was a faded print that he supposed had been popular enough to be mass produced at some time in the past. He needed to get out of there, away from the walls that were closing in around him. Sighing, he stood reluctantly and walked slowly to the bathroom.

He stood at the lookout where he'd first put his foot in his mouth and let his attraction to Shepard slip. It seemed like so long ago but in reality was only a year. There were few people around. Most were either crowded onto the Presidium or watching the extranet coverage of Shepard's funeral. He'd copped a lot of flak over not going, but he didn't care how it looked or what they thought of him. For once he was disobeying orders. He didn't know how long he stood there, lost in memories of Shepard when a voice jolted him out of his reverie.

"I didn't see you at my daughter's funeral, Lieutenant."

He turned, a frisson of shock running through him as he looked at the woman who was an older version of Shepard. His Shepard.

What could he say? How could he put his feelings into words that would explain his need to stay away from her funeral, from the circus like pageantry of it, from the finality of it.

"It's ok, Lieutenant. I understand." Hannah Shepard sighed sadly before looking out across the view of the Citadel. "It's never easy to lose someone you love. I'm only sorry that I never got the chance to spend more time with her. But we wrote often. My daughter spoke highly of you in her letters. I'm glad she had someone like you there for her, watching her back." A tremor went through her as she fought to hold back her tears. "But there was more to it than that I think. She mentioned you too often, and she didn't normally let people get close after Elysium."

He turned and looked into her eyes. Eyes that were so much like the ones he saw every time he closed his eyes. He fought to stop the tears that threatened, fought to find his voice, to give her something to let her know she wasn't alone in her grief, to say the words that he hadn't said to her daughter. "I loved her," he said softly, his voice cracking with emotion as he turned away from Hannah Shepard.

She looked at him intently for a moment then nodded slightly to herself before placing a hand gently on his forearm and holding out her other hand to him. "She would have wanted you to have this. To remember her. I'd like you to have it too."

Kaidan looked at the box she held in her hand. Knowing what it was but unable to take it. His anger at himself, at Shepard for leaving him, wouldn't allow it. "Thank you for the thought but I can't take it, Ma'am."

"I'm very proud of my daughter, Lieutenant. All of us serving in the Alliance live with the knowledge that we could lose our lives at any moment, my daughter more so than most. She stood up for what she believed in, we have to follow her example and do the same." She took his limp hand and pressed the box into it. "My daughter loved you, Lieutenant Alenko." At his startled glance she continued. "Oh, she never said as much, but I knew her well enough to be able to read between the lines, and now, seeing you today, I know that feeling was returned. Thank you for that Lieutenant. I'm glad we had this opportunity to meet. I'll leave you to your thoughts." She nodded gravely at him before turning and walking away, her years of military training unable to hide her sorrow.

He looked down at the box now clutched tightly in his hand, knowing it contained Shepard's Star of Terra, and traced the Alliance symbol on it with one finger. He wasn't sure if he deserved it. Hell, he knew he didn't. Shepard had been awarded this medal for the countless lives she'd saved on Elysium. And he couldn't even save hers, the one life that mattered to him. He wanted to call Hannah Shepard back and make her take it, explain to her that he was to blame for her daughter's death, but he could only hold it. He wouldn't open it, not here in public. Hannah Shepard had given him something that summed up who Shepard was far more than any of the eloquent and empty words that would be spoken at her funeral by the politicians vying for attention. He sighed wistfully and began walking slowly back to his apartment.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

For a week he had kept to his apartment, ignoring the pings from his omnitool telling him he had mail, ignoring the periodic knocking on his door, and ignoring Shepard's medal which he had pushed to the back of a drawer.

Now a sense of duty, which was all he had left, made him finally look at the messages that had been coming into his omnitool all week. Messages from most of the Normandy crew he ignored, but he opened a message from Captain Anderson requesting his presence at Alliance headquarters on the Citadel in a few hours time. A decision had been made about the Normandy's crew and new assignments were being allocated. The only other message he opened was one from Dr. Chakwas, expressing concern for him and offering a shoulder and an ear. He wasn't ready to talk about Shepard with anyone.

He flicked on the news channel. Might as well find out what was happening in the world, not that it really mattered with Shepard gone. He didn't know if he was ready to return to a world without her. Couldn't even imagine how it would be. He mostly ignored what the reporter was saying until he heard Shepard's name mentioned.

"_A Council spokesman confirmed today that the Geth were behind the attack on the Citadel. Rumours regarding Reapers are incorrect and unsubstantiated and there is no cause for alarm. It has come to the Council's attention that Commander Shepard,__ saviour__ of the Citadel and first human Spectre was suffering from battle trauma and was delusional. Plans were in progress for treatment when Shepard met her death at the hands of a holdout group of Geth that have since been eliminated. An Alliance spokesperson refused to comment on Commander Shepard except to say that her death was a tragedy after all that she_ _had _achieved for _humanity and that the Alliance was in full agreement with the Council regarding the attack on the Citadel."_

**What?** Shepard was the last person in the galaxy that was delusional. And the Reapers were real, he had seen that for himself firsthand. How could the Council and the Alliance betray her like that? The Council owed her their lives and this is how they repay her? He expected it from the Council but he couldn't believe that the Alliance were going along with the smear campaign against Shepard and seemingly not preparing for the Reapers. Kaidan didn't know when the Reapers would come, but he didn't doubt that they would find a way out of dark space. Given the amount of effort that went into destroying Sovereign, they needed to be prepared for however many were out there. He sighed. Did it really even matter anymore?

Trying to push down the anger that was building steadily against the Council, the Alliance, and himself, he called Anderson, needing to find out the truth before he could accept a new posting. He'd always been proud to serve in the Alliance but now there was only a bitter taste in his mouth. Was this how his career was going to end?

"Lieutenant Alenko. How are you?" Anderson's voice sounded loud in the quiet of the apartment.

Kaidan wasn't in the mood for pleasantries. "I want to know if what I heard on the news is true, that the Alliance is going along with this smear campaign on Shepard?"

"Alenko, I know how it must seem to you but the politics of the situation are difficult to explain."

"Politics." Kaidan spat the word out bitterly. "Were these the same politics that made everyone want to be associated with Shepard's funeral only a week ago? Shepard deserves better. We both know that." Kaidan's anger was once again coming to the surface.

"Calm down, Lieutenant. There are plans in place that you are not privy to." Anderson spoke in a conciliatory manner. "However Admiral Hackett and I have a special assignment we'd like you to accept. It includes a promotion to the rank of Lieutenant Commander. You've more than earned it."

Kaidan said nothing for a few moments. A promotion to Shepard's rank? Could he accept it? "What is this assignment, Captain Anderson? What about Shepard? Will she be receiving a promotion too?" He forced himself to choke out, "Posthumously."

"As I explained, Lieutenant Alenko, the politics of the situation have to be navigated very carefully."

"I don't want to hear about politics, Sir. I just want some straight answers. What is this assignment? What does it entail?"

"It will be discussed with you in private, if and when you accept the assignment and promotion. I know that you and Shepard were close but you have to accept that she's gone and a promotion will not bring her back."

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply when Ambassador Udina cut in.

"Be smart, Alenko. Shepard ended up proving to be more trouble than she was worth. Hopefully you will be more amendable."

"With all due respect, Ambassador, Shepard was the best thing that could have happened for humanity's standing in the galactic community." Kaidan spoke forcefully. He still hadn't forgiven Udina for selling them out and forcing Shepard to mutiny.

"If I had my way, Lieutenant, Shepard would have been court-martialed for that stunt she pulled." Udina puffed himself up.

"That so called 'stunt' as you call it saved your ass as well as the Council's asses, Ambassador." He didn't even bother to try to hide his anger now.

"That's enough, both of you." Anderson interjected. "Consider what I've said, Lieutenant, and I'll see you at Alliance headquarters in three standard hours." Anderson disconnected the call.

"To hell with all of them." The harshness of his voice startled him. He sat on the bed deep in thought. Finally he looked towards the drawer where he'd placed Shepard's medal. He hadn't been able to bring himself to look at it, didn't want to feel the pain of seeing it every day. Until now. Now he knew he had to open the box, needed to feel close to Shepard. He had a decision to make and he needed her strength.

He forced himself to take it out of the drawer and stood staring at it in his hand as if he could will her into being again. He opened the box hesitantly, not knowing what emotions its contents would bring. He preferred it when he was numb.

The tears came straight away and he didn't bother trying to blink them back as he hesitantly traced the edges of the medal with his finger. The thoughts that had been going through his head since the day Joker had stepped from the escape pod alone became deafening. "Shepard." Her name was forced from his lips and seemed to echo around the room. What would she do? What would she expect him to do? He stared blindly at the medal for more than an hour trying to come to some sort of decision before he snapped the lid of the box shut. His head was aching but he ignored it. The pain was nothing compared to the pain of losing Shepard. Wearily he placed the box on his bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

He'd go on. He had to for Shepard's sake. He could see her so clearly in his mind, hear the tone of her voice. She wouldn't want him to give up. Would expect him to keep fighting, to make a difference somewhere for someone. He'd honour her memory by doing that, no matter how hard it would be. What had she said after Ash died? Every time she lost someone she promised herself that she'd do better next time. That was all he could do now. Do better. For her.

Anderson looked up as Kaidan entered the room. Kaidan gave him a slight nod. It was enough for Anderson to understand that Kaidan had accepted the promotion and the unknown mission. The rest of the Normandy crew were already in attendance and new assignments were being handed out. They were being split up. _Divide and conquer. Assign everyone to backwater posts so we can't be together to corroborate the existence of the Reapers, _Kaidan thought sadly of the breaking up of Shepard's team. _Maybe it's better this way. I don't need them around to remind me of how much I've lost._

Kaidan avoided eye contact with everyone. He didn't want to talk to them. Couldn't bear to see the pity that would be in their eyes.

On being told he was being grounded pending a full enquiry into the destruction of the Normandy Joker stood up. He had lost weight and looked haggard.

"This is bullshit. I can't believe I'm being grounded and that you're all going along with the whitewash that's going on as far as Shepard and the Reapers are concerned." He limped over to stand directly in front of Kaidan and looked him in the eye. "I expected more from you, Lieutenant Alenko."

Anderson spoke up, "That's Commander Alenko, he's just been promoted."

That piece of news only seemed to infuriate Joker further. "So you sold her out for a new shiny badge. I can't believe you of all people could do that, Alenko. Well, I'm not going to stand by and watch as the Alliance does a smear job on Shepard. We know the truth. We know the Reapers are real."

Kaidan didn't even bother looking at the man who had once been one of his best friends. "Get out of my face. I'm not about to take career advice from you."

Dr Chakwas looked intently at Kaidan. His soft unemotional voice was far more worrying to her than a display of anger would have been.

"That's right, Alenko, be a good little soldier, shut up and do what you're told. I quit. You and the Alliance can go to hell for all I care." Joker stormed out

"I'm already there." Kaidan said quietly, his voice ragged.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

For a year he had carried out missions handed to him by both Anderson and Hackett. Missions that in the past would have been given to Shepard. It was ironic that he received a promotion to Staff Commander today of all days. The first anniversary of her death. Now he outranked her. He laughed, but there was no humour in the sound. He had tried to carry out his missions using her example. Getting the job done the right way, not the easy way, and without losing his humanity. She had given him confidence in himself and his abilities but he didn't think for one moment that he was her equal on the battlefield or in inspiring the people around her. No one was.

The pain of losing her had lessened slightly. He had gotten through the last year by throwing himself wholeheartedly into every mission, usually falling into bed exhausted. He preferred it that way. It meant that he didn't have to think about her too deeply. Or feel her loss.

His friends had wanted to go out and celebrate his promotion but he didn't feel like it. Today of all days, there was nothing to celebrate. The only person he wanted to celebrate with was dead. He still wasn't used to being recognised when he went out. Was this a pale imitation of the way she felt everytime her name was whispered as recognition dawned on the people she passed? Shepard had handled it in her stride, often stopping to talk to them. Kaidan held himself aloof, and the fact that he was widely known as an L2 biotic tended to make people wary and nervous. He didn't care, didn't want to talk to people unless he had to. The first question he was invariably asked was about Shepard and he still found it difficult to talk about her to anyone, even his closest friends.

Her body had still not been recovered and he had asked both Admiral Hackett and Councilor Anderson on numerous occasions for a chance to look for it and retrieve it. His requests were always met with silence at first, then hurried words about why it would be an impossible task. He wondered if there was something they weren't telling him but he couldn't think of anything that was relevant to Shepard that they would be holding back. He had spent the last year carrying out assignments for both of them, under the guise of liaison with newly established human colonies but in reality he was investigating any leads that might give them irrefutable proof of the Reapers to present to the council. He was also investigating Cerberus. Reports had started to surface about people going missing, and Admiral Hackett wanted to know if Cerberus were involved. Kaidan wouldn't have been surprised if they were. He had seen enough of their sick experiments while he had served with Shepard. It was suspected that many of the newer human colonies were being funded by Cerberus, but so far he had not been able to find any concrete evidence that they were using the people as their own personal guinea pigs for whatever sick experiments they had devised.

He shook his head as if the action would clear his thoughts. He didn't want to think about Cerberus now, not while they were intermingled with thoughts of Shepard. His hand moved to touch the pocket at his chest where he carried her medal to keep her close to him. It had become an automatic gesture now whenever he allowed himself to think about her.

With another shake of his head he headed towards the bathroom, intent on taking a shower and then heading to the lookout. This time it would be different. There would be no Hannah Shepard with words of support, his emotions would not be so twisted and threatening to spill over. But hopefully at this time of night it would be almost deserted, like last time when everyone had wanted to be part of her funeral. Now there would be no eulogizing, no remembrance ceremony. The powers that be didn't want to remind anyone of the Reaper threat, and a dead Shepard had made a great target for their misinformation campaign. He still felt anger whenever anyone asked him about her state of mind. She had been saner and been able to see through the bullshit better than most people in the galaxy. At least some people remembered who she was and what she had achieved. He'd never forget. He'd seen both sides of her, the marine and the woman, but time, or fate or whatever name anyone wanted to call it had been against them it seemed.

Sighing he stepped into the shower. He had his memories, and his dreams. He hoped they would be enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Kaidan sat in the Darkstar Lounge with his best friend, Howard Patterson. It was rare that the two of them were in the same place, and it was good to catch up. They'd gone through basic together and had stayed in touch. Howard was one of the few people that hadn't shunned him because of his biotics.

Howard finished the last of his drink and put the glass down on the table with an exasperated sigh. "For god's sake, Kaidan. You need to snap out of it. How long are you going to live like a monk?"

"I'm not living like a monk. I've just been busy, that's all." Kaidan couldn't keep the defensive tone from his voice.

"Yeah, I know. The big hush hush mission you've been on for the last two years. You've been moping around for that length of time. It's time you came back to the land of the living. Shepard's dead and nothing's going to bring her back."

Kaidan looked at his friend in disbelief. "What do you know about Shepard, Howard?"

"I know that you must have a thing for her. You've never said anything, but it doesn't take a genius to work it out, you know." He looked at his friend with compassion. "She must have been something special."

"Yeah, she was. There'll never be anyone like her." Kaidan spoke softly, his hand going to his chest to feel the comforting weight of her medal. He still felt mixed emotions when he thought of her but the pain had faded to leave regret in its place. Regret for the hopes and dreams that now would never be. "How long have you known?"

"I worked it out about a year ago. I figured you'd talk to me if you wanted to." He shrugged, knowing that Kaidan rarely spoke about his personal life. "You must have fallen for her pretty hard, but if she's as special as you think she is I doubt she would want you to pine forever."

"No, she wouldn't. It's just…I don't know." He sipped his drink, unable to explain his feelings even to his best friend.

"You need to get your life back. Shana has a friend here on the Citadel, a doctor. I think you two will hit it off."

"I don't know Howard." Shana was Howard's wife. Kaidan had only met her once and hadn't attended their wedding. He had been on the Normandy at the time serving under…. He stopped and automatically corrected himself to serving with Shepard. The words 'serving under' had too many memories wrapped up in them. "I'm not sure I'm ready for a blind date." He said hesitantly.

"Look, just think about it, okay. I'll get Shana to send her contact details through to you."

A few weeks later he walked into wearily into his apartment. He'd just come back from another wild goose chase trying to find evidence of what happened to tens of thousands of missing colonists. The rate at which colonies were being hit and colonists were disappearing was increasing. It was baffling that every man, woman, and child could disappear and no evidence could be found as to why. If it wasn't for their personal effects being left behind it would be easy to think that they never even existed.

He'd come back to the Citadel to report to Anderson, not that there was much to report. As in all the other cases there was nothing to be found. The empty colonies had an eerie, almost surreal feel about them and sent a shiver down his spine.

It had been two years since Shepard had died, and he switched on the news service, not wanting to hear the news but needing to hear the sound of someone's voice after the emptiness he'd just come from. The mention of her name drew his attention and he turned up the volume. Rumours were rife that she had been sighted on Omega. Why couldn't they just let her rest in peace? He snorted in self derision. He was a fine one to talk. Maybe it was time he let her go as well.

He stood for a long time, deep in thought before his hand went to his chest and removed her medal from his pocket. He looked at it, tracing its outline with his finger before taking a deep breath and returning it to its case in one of his drawers. Howard was right. It was time he got over her and started living his life again.

It seemed he couldn't go anywhere without hearing rumours of Shepard being sighted somewhere. He'd asked both Anderson and Hackett about the rumours only to be put off with platitudes and standard military BS. He knew stonewalling when he heard it. It irked him. Why choose him for this mission if they didn't feel he could be trusted with sensitive information? There had to be some truth to the rumours, didn't there?

The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. Surely Shepard would not have faked her own death? Surely she wouldn't have let him grieve for two years, believing he'd lost her? They had loved each other too much for that sort of deception hadn't they?

"Damn you Shepard. How could you do that to me?" The harshness of his words echoed around his apartment. He wanted to believe she was alive, but part of him didn't want to think about what that meant for him, or for them. Had it all been a lie to fulfill some hidden agenda on her part?

He decided on an impulse to call the doctor Howard had been trying to set him up with. He knew it was petty, he didn't even know if Shepard really was alive but he was hurting too much and a small part of him wanted to pay her back for letting him believe they had something between them.


	6. Chapter 6

Lost

Chapter 6

Kaidan sat in the cabin of the ship that would take him to Horizon, another colony that could be a target of the mysterious wave of disappearances. The Alliance had decided to provide all such colonies with GARDIAN lasers in the hopes that they would actually protect them from whoever or whatever was out there. The lasers were being installed but there was a problem with calibrating them and he had been sent to make sure they actually worked. He wasn't looking forward to it. Most of the colonists he'd encountered had been openly hostile towards the Alliance and any of its representatives. He didn't know why. Whether it was disagreement with Alliance policies, or working with the Council, or plain old xenophobia, he couldn't work it out. No doubt, if Cerberus were behind some of the funding to start up these new colonies, the Alliance wouldn't be getting shown in a good light. He wondered if they'd be so quick to dismiss the Alliance if Cerberus turned out to be the ones behind the disappearances.

He thought back to his date with Dr. Meg Flannery, if it could even be called a date. They had met for drinks just to introduce themselves to each other, neither of their schedules allowing for anything else. He had felt awkward and unsure of himself, but they had made plans to see each other again when he returned to the Citadel, so he couldn't have made that bad an impression on her. He'd never even had a date with Shepard, unless you could call all the time they spent together on the battlefield watching each other's backs dating.

Shepard. He could think about her now without breaking down, although the constant rumours were disturbing to him. Maybe getting away from the Citadel to the colony on the Horizon was a good thing despite his reservations. It would allow him to put his life in perspective and go further forward without the constant mention of her name everywhere he went. Maybe it would prove to be the final step in getting over her.

He'd only been on Horizon for a few days when he felt like his insides were breaking into jagged pieces of glass. The day had started out as usual, trying to calibrate the lasers which was becoming an increasingly difficult task, and dealing with the hostility and distrust of the colonists. He was glad that at least Lilith was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt and she had become his liaison with the other colonists. He thought she might have been attracted to him in some way. He laughed out loud. _Yeah right Alenko. One sort of date and you think you're irresistible._

He'd intended to go to bed but decided to check his messages before getting some rest to wrestle with the targeting systems again tomorrow. There were a few messages but he ignored them all in favour of one from Howard. A message that now he was wishing he'd never opened. Attached to the message was a video stream and he felt a strange sense of foreboding as he started to watch.

"Shepard." The name was torn from his throat as he watched her speaking. She was on the Citadel, reciting the names of the Alliance ships that had been lost in the battle against Sovereign, and staring irritably at the camera. He stared disbelieving at her. Apart from the glowing scars on her face, she hadn't changed. Same attitude, same confident stance and tone of voice. In an instant all the emotions that he'd experienced over the last two years burst into life within him and threatened to overwhelm him. Everything he thought he'd known shattered around him.

He only just made it to the bathroom where he threw up and slumped to the floor. Kaidan had no idea how long he's sat there, unable to take in what he'd learnt, unable to sort out the jumble of his emotions. His head throbbed as a slow burning anger blossomed inside of him.

Shepard had betrayed him, betrayed his trust. Part of him hoped that he never saw her again. He didn't know how he would react to her, didn't know who the hell the woman he'd fallen in love with was anymore.

A few days later he found himself watching the video again. It hurt to see her, but he couldn't control the quickening of his heart at the sight or sound of her. He thought he'd finally started to move on, but obviously he hadn't. Sighing he lay down on the bed. He wanted answers from Anderson, he couldn't shake the feeling that the Councilor had known about her all along. The only thing he was certain of anymore was that they needed to talk, but the chances of running into Shepard out here were pretty remote. He needed to get this job done and then he'd worry about finding Shepard.


End file.
